I'm sorry that I'm weird...

 

I don't think that being weird was such a bad thing. What is worse that having a sense of humor was such a red flag. Seems that some people have a weird sense of hypocrisy; then again seeing how people are now of days, I am not surprised in the slightest. I guess when you are always the one on the outside looking in, it's going to be the status quo. It's something that I really been used to my whole life. I look back at much of my existence and I come up with a theory: that no matter how I try to ingratiate myself in social groups, I don't feel so welcome. No matter what circle I move through. I was always asked to be myself. Biggest mistake ever. Whoever recommended that should never give advice again. Every time I attempt do just that, I either: get shunned, get laughed at, get kicked out or get ignored. I just feel that I need to keep the mask on. I don't want to scare anyone off anymore. Just stupid that some people shun or get cringy when others do or act the same way. Nice bit of BS. So what is to be expected right? 

SAW

So nerdy guys are in now...

 

  I am seeing all these videos of women out here saying that nerdy guys are underrated and slept on, and you need to be dating them. And I been looking at so many responses stating that most of these women are straight capping or lying for clout. While I know many would say yes, it is cap. I know a few of them sincerely are loving us nerdy guys. And to them, I say thank you and bless you for giving those dudes a genuine shot. However, the others, I know that it's just a bunch of bullshittery. 

I know that those so called "Nerd" types they are wanting are those tall, attractive, tattooed guys that maybe wear glasses and watch maybe one anime and build Legos and whatnot. To be honest, I think they think that nerd prototype of nerdy men they want are the Henry Cavil (who plays Warhammer) Vin Diesel and Joe Manganiello who play D&D or Ryan Reynolds for the most obvious of reasons. They want those attractive guys that have some sex appeal but have a bit of embrace of being a nerd. But those who been knee-deep into it, being ridiculed in school for liking comics, anime, etc. were laughed at and still laughed at to this day because we don't have a six-pack, or tatted up and all that jazz is a bit tiring, and I know many of guys like-minded are seeing the bullshit for what it is. 

I am not one to try to gatekeep about who dates who in the nerd lifestyle; I am only asking that you be honest about it. Because I know that maybe 85% that say they do are lying out their heads for some type of clout or give some poor sap a very false hope. Many of us guys are over-cautious by nature because we know the traps are out there that we try to get some feelings only to get burned and played. It's why we don't date in the first place. It's hard to trust, hard to believe because many of us have our war stories of how we try to find some woman who has the slightest interest in us, see our existence and run away back to the gym rat or something. I know many of those so-called nerd lovers are psy-ops who probably have an Onlyfans or something. I know not ever woman has that ulterior motive or some sex-worker website and is genuinely interested in us. Then there is the classical defense saying, "Oh there are those who are into nerdy guys who are not usually on the cover of those dime store romance novels, they just not into you because of your personality." I agree, unattractive is unattractive regardless of your situation, but sometimes the circumstances at the time does bring out some things or say things that are normally not what we say or believe. It's just that for some long, we been slept on, ignored, laughed at and ridiculed that now suddenly a spotlight is shone on us, and we have to ask ourselves is this legit, or cap. Most of us are overthinkers by nature and we have to ask ourselves billions of times is this true or not. 

Is it the cynic in me that is just seeing the pessimistic part of everything? Yes, but there is too much evidence to back up the claim too. So, when I see these individuals say they wanna date a nerdy guy, I know it's the ones that you don't expect. Hell, most think they are tall, skinny guys who probably watch Star Wars and plays Magic the Gathering and have a predisposition of being secretly hung like an anaconda or something. Or that gym guy with tatts and a beard that maybe has an insane number of Legos. To each their own, I guess. But some of us don't fit that mold and would like some sense of acknowledgement too. Hell, most would think I don't even fit the nerd culture. But let's see.

Love Anime (Can name shows that isn't Naruto, Bleach (top 5 favorite btw), Dragonball or One Piece)

Plays Warhammer (even before Henry Cavil told the world he did)

Plays Magic the Gathering

Collects Gundam Models 

Reads Sci-Fi

Loves Star Wars 

Loves Science/Astrophysics Shows

Hardcore Gamer

Love Conspiracy Theories 

I Play Massive Amounts of Trivia Games

Read Loads of Comics 

yeah, those things I am into but not 6 foot, not skinny cause I like to eat, and you know the rest. 

I guess I shouldn't care about all this, but I guess it just rubs me the wrong way to see people giving out false hopes to people like us for the simple fact that we have a different lifestyle that all of a sudden is supposed to be cool when less than 10 years ago it was frowned upon. I rather stay alone with my nerdiness than fall into a trap. Just safer that way. 

SAW

Some people are social butterflies...

 

And then there are people like me who are pretty much the equivalent of a social cockroach. I think throughout my years of engaging in the Social Experiment, I have really attempted to engage in much of social situations only to really fade into the background and just observe. Mostly because I am not one of those people who can just walk into a room and float around and speak with everyone in such a friendly manner. That has been something that I never could master, or even try to attempt. Mostly because it feels so damn awkward for me. 

The parties and engagements that I used go to, while were not as many as some would assume, I mostly kept to a very select group of people and even then, for very few moments because I just honestly felt like I was really there as a forced conversation or convenience at the best of times. So, I usually just stay there briefly and make my ceremonial exit. Not really being missed or thought of for many. 

I do think that at times I have an ability to make people forget that I was there after a few moments. You kind of question yourself and think was I even there or was it just a fleeting thought that I was there at all. It does work to my advantage sometimes; however, there are times when I do think does my existence, play any impactful role in other's lives. It used to be a question that I would ask myself hundreds of times over the years. Now as I have gotten older, I honestly think I already know the answer however I don't think like I like that solution. 

Many years ago, during the Yahoo Chat Era, I have come across so many people of so many different backgrounds, nationalities. Some I keep in touch with loosely, some I avoided or been avoided for some reason or another. Good or ill. But it all goes to question; did I ever, even briefly, make any type of effect on their lives by me being there. I don't think I have if I was to be honest with myself. I don't think if anyone was to mention my name it would be any fondness if there is any memory at all. It is sometimes something I wish I could just do, wipe out the memories of me from many people. Or wipe it from myself as well. I think that much of the traumas that I had endured would have been lessened greatly if I could just pluck those memories out like an eyebrow. I know some would say that you shouldn't do that because those experiences are what makes humans grow and become who they are. But I question them with this counter-question. Do you think those individuals would probably find a greater sense of happiness and fulfillment of the Self, if they did not encounter those things that have messed them up to a point where they struggle with their lives? 

I think I have become so socially withdrawn that I have de-evolved into a recluse, and I think that is a good thing for me. I think growing up pretty much a loner, gave me a deeper understanding of being able to be independent and self-reliant. It was for the lack of effort or even planting myself in those socio-groups, I just think deep down I was just a person who had much of the social acceptance of the aforementioned cockroach. I know that you should be oneself, but the question to ask is what happens if being yourself makes one an outcast? 

I guess that is a question to ask. I just hope that I don't lose my sanity once I find the answer. 

SAW

When your real-life charisma is your dump stat...

 I always been a big fan of TTRPG's and Dungeons and Dragons has always been my favorite out of all of them. And being in that you always have to put stats into your character's abilities. Many times, I usually put my lowest abilities or the "dump" stat into Charisma. Mostly because many of my characters that I play are sometimes projections of myself, or the creations of myself into how I could portray myself to be as. 

When I put into myself as a person, what my real-life dump stat would be, I can easily say it would be Charisma. Mostly because, when it comes to human interactions, or being able to talk to people of the opposite gender, the so-called "Rizz" is nonexistent. I always believed that many a small part of me would have some sense of charm factor, a bit of style that can be used to win any woman over. However, upon deep amounts of reflection within myself and a huge amount of honesty, I know that it would be a huge lie to myself to say I am charismatic. Being witty or being able to captivate a room with just my image, my confidence or a good word of humor, is about as possible as the sun rising in the south and setting in the north. I know deep down I have a weird or even a very off-beat personality. Which I think at times is something that I have really denied into myself over the years, especially growing up. I always been the loner, even amongst my peer; mostly because I never was one to feel accepted within my group for me. I always wore a mask to hide my real identity. My real self, because the few times I have let myself be me, I never really was able to find any sense of sincere acceptance. More or less, I was kind of ignored on the best of times and ridiculed on the worst of days. So, in a sense, I felt it was best to wear a mask and infiltrate myself into any group that I would feel that would be accepting of the actor that I was to be for the moment that was needed. 

While for a while that would work, it got very old very quickly. I didn't feel any sense of happiness, then again, I don't think I ever had a moment of pure happiness. Or those I can really think made me happy. But I digress. When I think about leaving the madness of high school and Morton and left for college in Houston, I figured that it was the time to really become myself and find my true identity as Marco. But the thing was, I don't know or didn't know how to be me. That damned Rizz was never there, and I don't think I ever had a chance to honestly being myself. Even the few months I was there, and few people that I met and connected with, it was always that small part of me that I couldn't really be myself or even felt accepted. Even know upon reflection, I kind of ask myself was I really a part of the social grouping that I found myself in or was it just a moment of forced convenience. Leaving in the middle of the night as I did and not even saying goodbye was just easy to do and not looking back made things easy. I know I could have returned there but I felt it was best to not. Let me be a fleeting memory. Only one person still remains in contact with me even now and I do think that it's best. 

Going to USM was just more of a continuation of the same thing but I think that really having friends was a bit harder, granted I did find some people online that help take away the sense of loneliness and give a sense of belonging; it was a different thing. Finding real friends was a challenge. Even those who I went to school with I kept at a distance. Not because they knew me, but because I wanted to not be a bother to them. Or worse let them call me out of any potential facade that I had made for myself. True to be deceitful is a skill of charisma, probably the only one I had in abundance because I learned how to hide behind my mask well. 

I think the one saving grace was the ability to hide behind a computer online. Just being able to pretend to be someone else made things so much easier. I can just create any persona I wished to make. But the best part of it all is I didn't have to be charismatic either. Mostly because they didn't really know who I really was so I can hide behind anything and pretend to be someone else instead of my true self. However, over time, that started to fade, mostly because of the pseudo gatherings that I went to, and people got to see me for the first time. Which in a big way was very scary for me. I always tried to keep a distance from many people. And being the person I was, I had one thing that I think was my power of observation and perception. I watched many people in many of the groups and social dynamics that I was involved in show powers of high confidence and charisma to the point that it was almost an aura of power that gravitated many people toward them. If I had any potential to show of any charisma it would been extinguished by those who ooze it.

Getting onto the realm of social media, that is where the charisma deficiency was extremely apparent. I don't know if it just the expansion of how things I have dealt with in terms of the human interaction was increase to a global scale or not, but it just seems that being myself here is about as welcoming as a rabid wolf in a chicken coop. I think being on certain apps just gave me a harsh lesson in reality that being myself is never going to lead into any popularity and sure as hell will not lead to any sense of monetary opportunities. I think that is the biggest reason, I'll never do any streaming on Kick or Twitch because I know that it would doom to fail. Seeing people who just can blow up with very little effort kind of makes me jealous in a way. I don't think it's not the lack of effort but just being able to use their natural powers of charisma to be able to give some sense of connection and rapport that I don't think I ever had. 

Maybe in conclusion, I just look at my dump stat of having no Charisma as just the price for having some decent amount of intelligence and wisdom - even if you want to call it that in retrospect. Who knows, maybe a late and I do mean VERY late spurt of natural machismo will rain upon me and I will be able to have the charms to beguile women and intimidate the men. I highly doubt it. If I didn't get it in the 47 years of life on this mudball of a planet, I don't think I will ever receive such a blessing now. 

😟

SAW 

I am feeling so confused...

 

But then again, I don't think that there is much of a difference between confusion and clarity. But to put into context, I was in a tiktok live with a mutual and they were discussing that they are getting some much-needed sex to get rid of some pent-up energy. Which I know is a good thing now days, unfortunately that is something that I will experience again. But that is a different entry for another time. However, I digress. The thing that was shocking to me was that she stated that 10 minutes is the acceptable time for sexual penetration. And two minutes is even a good time for penetration. I commented that you can't be serious about that, and I get a reply that if you can start her engines up early that morning and through the day, you send messages to her explain the things that you will do to her, send pictures and the like, and when she gets home, you tease and do the aforementioned things to her with the amount of foreplay. She will be satisfied that if you put it in and last 40 seconds, she will be so happy and orgasmed out beforehand, that it will honestly be irrelevant. The problem with this logic is that I don't believe it. I have seen way too many and I do mean WAY!!!!!! too many women that will debate, rebuke that and call her out on that bullshit. I almost wanted to do it as well, but I kept my words to myself because I wanted to be respectful to her and everyone else and not cause some large debate or issue. I did reply that I did that, tried that and it was a disaster that got me called out and dumped. Which is honestly true. I can't actually believe that no matter how much of teasing, enticement, and sexual tensions you give a woman during a day away from each other that at the end of the day, when it is time to put up, most will want to be able to make that experience last as long as possible. 

To have someone say to actually fuck between 2 and 10 minutes is acceptable to me is kind of hard to even fathom. Ok 10 should be in many cases the barest minimum. 15 to 20 should be the logical "fun zone" time. 2 minutes is impossible to even consider. I mean yes if you go down on your partner, use her toys on her get her to a state of orgasmic euphoria, there will be a time she will demand you stop with the teasing and unleash the full show. And 2 minutes will not be enough. I have heard many stories of the opposite that they did all that shit and 2- or 3-minutes pass, and they are looking at them like Christmas had been cancelled. The euphoria died away. She is looking at you like; honey is that IT!!!??? I mean goodness me. You sent her soul over the edge but when it's time to deliver the final play you fall short. This is where you get the look of death. Get called out in the groups with your significant other's friend group. And believe me you know that most of the women have a group that talks. 

The craziest part is there a few agreed with her being nonchalantly stating yes, I got things to do and don't need to be there all day. If you going to be a marathon man, then take breaks and all. But I have to think that if your mind is in that state of bliss and sex-space, the last thing you are thinking about is when will it end and more in the lines of, I hope to GOD and Sweet Baby Jesus this don't end. I know that each person is different, and each individual have a preference of duration. 2 minutes being any amount of acceptable time is impossible to even think of and I don't want to say it's some sort of gaslighting, and just one's personal preference. But you also can put into a bit of testing of that theory and state what would happen if you received the previous amounts of preludes to sex, do you honestly think that you would be satisfied with a short ending? I honestly think not. 

This all is very confusing and a bit of a challenge to conceive. Has the rising of the 2-minute man become to be a reality? I honestly doubt it. I think that what she discussed is the most extreme of exceptions and not anywhere close to the norm. I know way too many women who would scoff at a fast man and be ready to send him to the gallows in public execution for even not making the 10-minute threshold. Especially when some women, in a polyamorous relationship circle. I know that, as well as the swinger lifestyle, there are three things that is the death-nail of a man:

1.  no stamina
2.  no skill
3.  no size. 

Each one of those is already a terrible ordeal within itself, throw them all together and you may as well commit sexual seppuku. Sadly, I just think that there will be a great awakening of women who will appreciate the non-staminaed man. Then again, I seriously doubt it. Doubt it indeed.

SAW

I'm sorry

 

I'm sorry that I am such a burden and that my existence is something of such inconvenience. I didn't know that just talking or just be present in your life was such a hassle. Just wanted to express my feelings and talk to you was such a horrible thing.  

I'm sorry for trying to maintain some sort of connection of a bridge to you and want to be in your life. I never expected that you would not wish for me to be some person that just nothing less than a long-term acquittance that is less than a stranger in your eyes. Maybe I was wrong that I didn't matter to you as I thought I did. 

I'm sorry that I have weird passions, or awkward interests that you don't understand and not some type of person who is so full of interesting experiences that can make your life so fulfilling and full of purpose. I'm a boring person by nature and I never been anything but that. 

I'm sorry that my mental health is such a big issue to you. Look, my life isn't filled with sunshine and lollipops like yours. Some of us just like to try to be so bubbly and happy however it's not the case. And I'm sorry for that. 

I'm sorry I'm just a bad person. 

I'm sorry

Welcome to America...A Religious State

 

When I read that the United States Supreme Court overturned the Roe vs Wade decision, I honestly was not surprised by this. Since the leak a few month back pretty much gave that indication and the smoke and mirrors was nothing more than a pre-cursor of what was to come. I knew that deep down the Religious Majority wanted to pretty much destroy any type of progression for their own biblecentric views. Now I am not against religion in any shape or form. I respect religions for what they originally intended to be. But when the religion starts to take part into the socio-political systems, that is where it becomes dangerous and very bad. There is a separation of church and state for a reason. Yet, today and in the last few months, that separation has become closer and closer together. ALL because they believe in the "Sanctity of Life" The Extreme Right loooooooove to use that phrase, Sanctity of Life, yet they not care about anything close to it.  They care more about their AR-15 than any children. It has been proven over so much over the last few months, they worship the 2nd Amendment than anything else. They call themselves PRO-LIFE, yet they don't want to protect life that's already here. I always say they are not pro-life, they are pro-fetus. Once that fetus is born, they are like FUCK YOU, you on your own. Yes, I said it and I'm not taking it back!

I always tried to say out of the Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate because I do have any right to tell a woman what to do with her body. That is between herself and her own moral compass. However it seems that now the Moral Police decides to intervene with the private decisions of citizens and demand that abortions are just wrong. And they always throw the Bible saying it's a commandment. Yet they are so quick to forget there are scripture where he commands death to children. But of course, they don't want to read that part. 

It's worse because now all this will do is cause back-alley abortions to skyrocket which is going to be even more dangerous. Yet, honestly most don't care about that. If the fetus is stillborn can't be removed, the women will have to carry it to term knowing that there is no life there. Yeah...nice trauma you going to give women buddy. 

And for those who think I'm some bleeding liberal, let me assure you right now, I'm not. I'm independent, centrist; almost to the point of being apolitical. I don't trust either side. But have a greater distrust of the extreme Right. Worshipping their guns before anything else and call it "divine right" 

And of course the Courts have pretty much decided that they will protect nothing except their own religious agenda. Giving public money to religious schools. I say TAX THE CHURCH then. And now this. 

Some say life begins at conception...ok then let's just go ahead and have ever man pay child support at the time they have sex. Oh yeah that would be a nice thing to do. I bet the politicians will love to have to pay their mistresses and escorts child support. 

But, I always hear this defense of what would happen if those individuals were able to be born. What contributions could be given to the world. We could have a child who creates beautiful music for the world, a person who can cure cancer, a child who could be President. What you think we could miss out on. Ok, we can have the next Charles Manson, the next Hitler, the next terrorist who does other things. Yes we can have those too. 

Now, there people calling for the expansion of the Court. Sadly, this will not happen anytime soon. It has only been done 7 times in the nation's history and the last time was during Reconstruction. And I don't think Congress will approve the expansion. I doubt Congress will never allow that to happen. They already have the insanity to destroy this country, why give them more ammo to make this country become worse. 

I feel for so many right now, this is a huge set back for personal rights in lieu of socio-religious agendas. And this will only make the midterms all the more important. I hope everyone votes, now more than ever. Good or Ill. I know I will. 

I know this will cause me to lose friends and honestly, I lost friends for less. And honestly that's ok. If there a sex strike and no one puts out this summer or for the foreseeable future, it would serve us men right. 

Dark times ahead.

Welcome to America....

SAW