When your real-life charisma is your dump stat...

 I always been a big fan of TTRPG's and Dungeons and Dragons has always been my favorite out of all of them. And being in that you always have to put stats into your character's abilities. Many times, I usually put my lowest abilities or the "dump" stat into Charisma. Mostly because many of my characters that I play are sometimes projections of myself, or the creations of myself into how I could portray myself to be as. 

When I put into myself as a person, what my real-life dump stat would be, I can easily say it would be Charisma. Mostly because, when it comes to human interactions, or being able to talk to people of the opposite gender, the so-called "Rizz" is nonexistent. I always believed that many a small part of me would have some sense of charm factor, a bit of style that can be used to win any woman over. However, upon deep amounts of reflection within myself and a huge amount of honesty, I know that it would be a huge lie to myself to say I am charismatic. Being witty or being able to captivate a room with just my image, my confidence or a good word of humor, is about as possible as the sun rising in the south and setting in the north. I know deep down I have a weird or even a very off-beat personality. Which I think at times is something that I have really denied into myself over the years, especially growing up. I always been the loner, even amongst my peer; mostly because I never was one to feel accepted within my group for me. I always wore a mask to hide my real identity. My real self, because the few times I have let myself be me, I never really was able to find any sense of sincere acceptance. More or less, I was kind of ignored on the best of times and ridiculed on the worst of days. So, in a sense, I felt it was best to wear a mask and infiltrate myself into any group that I would feel that would be accepting of the actor that I was to be for the moment that was needed. 

While for a while that would work, it got very old very quickly. I didn't feel any sense of happiness, then again, I don't think I ever had a moment of pure happiness. Or those I can really think made me happy. But I digress. When I think about leaving the madness of high school and Morton and left for college in Houston, I figured that it was the time to really become myself and find my true identity as Marco. But the thing was, I don't know or didn't know how to be me. That damned Rizz was never there, and I don't think I ever had a chance to honestly being myself. Even the few months I was there, and few people that I met and connected with, it was always that small part of me that I couldn't really be myself or even felt accepted. Even know upon reflection, I kind of ask myself was I really a part of the social grouping that I found myself in or was it just a moment of forced convenience. Leaving in the middle of the night as I did and not even saying goodbye was just easy to do and not looking back made things easy. I know I could have returned there but I felt it was best to not. Let me be a fleeting memory. Only one person still remains in contact with me even now and I do think that it's best. 

Going to USM was just more of a continuation of the same thing but I think that really having friends was a bit harder, granted I did find some people online that help take away the sense of loneliness and give a sense of belonging; it was a different thing. Finding real friends was a challenge. Even those who I went to school with I kept at a distance. Not because they knew me, but because I wanted to not be a bother to them. Or worse let them call me out of any potential facade that I had made for myself. True to be deceitful is a skill of charisma, probably the only one I had in abundance because I learned how to hide behind my mask well. 

I think the one saving grace was the ability to hide behind a computer online. Just being able to pretend to be someone else made things so much easier. I can just create any persona I wished to make. But the best part of it all is I didn't have to be charismatic either. Mostly because they didn't really know who I really was so I can hide behind anything and pretend to be someone else instead of my true self. However, over time, that started to fade, mostly because of the pseudo gatherings that I went to, and people got to see me for the first time. Which in a big way was very scary for me. I always tried to keep a distance from many people. And being the person I was, I had one thing that I think was my power of observation and perception. I watched many people in many of the groups and social dynamics that I was involved in show powers of high confidence and charisma to the point that it was almost an aura of power that gravitated many people toward them. If I had any potential to show of any charisma it would been extinguished by those who ooze it.

Getting onto the realm of social media, that is where the charisma deficiency was extremely apparent. I don't know if it just the expansion of how things I have dealt with in terms of the human interaction was increase to a global scale or not, but it just seems that being myself here is about as welcoming as a rabid wolf in a chicken coop. I think being on certain apps just gave me a harsh lesson in reality that being myself is never going to lead into any popularity and sure as hell will not lead to any sense of monetary opportunities. I think that is the biggest reason, I'll never do any streaming on Kick or Twitch because I know that it would doom to fail. Seeing people who just can blow up with very little effort kind of makes me jealous in a way. I don't think it's not the lack of effort but just being able to use their natural powers of charisma to be able to give some sense of connection and rapport that I don't think I ever had. 

Maybe in conclusion, I just look at my dump stat of having no Charisma as just the price for having some decent amount of intelligence and wisdom - even if you want to call it that in retrospect. Who knows, maybe a late and I do mean VERY late spurt of natural machismo will rain upon me and I will be able to have the charms to beguile women and intimidate the men. I highly doubt it. If I didn't get it in the 47 years of life on this mudball of a planet, I don't think I will ever receive such a blessing now. 

😟

SAW 

I am feeling so confused...

 

But then again, I don't think that there is much of a difference between confusion and clarity. But to put into context, I was in a tiktok live with a mutual and they were discussing that they are getting some much-needed sex to get rid of some pent-up energy. Which I know is a good thing now days, unfortunately that is something that I will experience again. But that is a different entry for another time. However, I digress. The thing that was shocking to me was that she stated that 10 minutes is the acceptable time for sexual penetration. And two minutes is even a good time for penetration. I commented that you can't be serious about that, and I get a reply that if you can start her engines up early that morning and through the day, you send messages to her explain the things that you will do to her, send pictures and the like, and when she gets home, you tease and do the aforementioned things to her with the amount of foreplay. She will be satisfied that if you put it in and last 40 seconds, she will be so happy and orgasmed out beforehand, that it will honestly be irrelevant. The problem with this logic is that I don't believe it. I have seen way too many and I do mean WAY!!!!!! too many women that will debate, rebuke that and call her out on that bullshit. I almost wanted to do it as well, but I kept my words to myself because I wanted to be respectful to her and everyone else and not cause some large debate or issue. I did reply that I did that, tried that and it was a disaster that got me called out and dumped. Which is honestly true. I can't actually believe that no matter how much of teasing, enticement, and sexual tensions you give a woman during a day away from each other that at the end of the day, when it is time to put up, most will want to be able to make that experience last as long as possible. 

To have someone say to actually fuck between 2 and 10 minutes is acceptable to me is kind of hard to even fathom. Ok 10 should be in many cases the barest minimum. 15 to 20 should be the logical "fun zone" time. 2 minutes is impossible to even consider. I mean yes if you go down on your partner, use her toys on her get her to a state of orgasmic euphoria, there will be a time she will demand you stop with the teasing and unleash the full show. And 2 minutes will not be enough. I have heard many stories of the opposite that they did all that shit and 2- or 3-minutes pass, and they are looking at them like Christmas had been cancelled. The euphoria died away. She is looking at you like; honey is that IT!!!??? I mean goodness me. You sent her soul over the edge but when it's time to deliver the final play you fall short. This is where you get the look of death. Get called out in the groups with your significant other's friend group. And believe me you know that most of the women have a group that talks. 

The craziest part is there a few agreed with her being nonchalantly stating yes, I got things to do and don't need to be there all day. If you going to be a marathon man, then take breaks and all. But I have to think that if your mind is in that state of bliss and sex-space, the last thing you are thinking about is when will it end and more in the lines of, I hope to GOD and Sweet Baby Jesus this don't end. I know that each person is different, and each individual have a preference of duration. 2 minutes being any amount of acceptable time is impossible to even think of and I don't want to say it's some sort of gaslighting, and just one's personal preference. But you also can put into a bit of testing of that theory and state what would happen if you received the previous amounts of preludes to sex, do you honestly think that you would be satisfied with a short ending? I honestly think not. 

This all is very confusing and a bit of a challenge to conceive. Has the rising of the 2-minute man become to be a reality? I honestly doubt it. I think that what she discussed is the most extreme of exceptions and not anywhere close to the norm. I know way too many women who would scoff at a fast man and be ready to send him to the gallows in public execution for even not making the 10-minute threshold. Especially when some women, in a polyamorous relationship circle. I know that, as well as the swinger lifestyle, there are three things that is the death-nail of a man:

1.  no stamina
2.  no skill
3.  no size. 

Each one of those is already a terrible ordeal within itself, throw them all together and you may as well commit sexual seppuku. Sadly, I just think that there will be a great awakening of women who will appreciate the non-staminaed man. Then again, I seriously doubt it. Doubt it indeed.

SAW