Time has passed...

I'm so sorry about the long hiatus. Trust me, it's not by choice - it was mostly because I have really just not able to speak what it on my mind or in my heart. But, that is no excuse and deep down I'm so sorry.

A good bit of things have went on since I last spoke to you. I lost my job at the old place a few months back. I never told anyone outside my circle this. Mostly, because for the biggest reason, I just didn't want folks to ask questions, feel sorry for me, or just don't need the rumors going on. However, I will say their reason was the biggest bunch of bullshit ever. In the beginning, it was kind of a blessing in disguise to be away from there. I don't miss anything about it except the paycheck. Yet, being in a place as long as one can be, it just does give a sense of accomplishment.

Fast forward to now, I have landed a job at a place that in all purposes is a total change around. Going into a small, relaxed office to a complete, full-blown call center; it's a complete culture shock. And somehow, that isn't the biggest thing; to have a  place that is so big-brother it can make George Orwell proud is a huge understatement. I understand having a place where they have a sense of accountability and the likes, but they take it to the biggest extreme. It's a line before being accountable and being micromanaged to death. When you have a system that times everything from going to breaks, being on the phone with calls, to everything else, it just a big on the extreme.

I know deep down, after 2 weeks, I can say this is not a good fit for me. Just seeing how the company operates, and the massive amount of system tools they use on a daily basis, plus the amount of regs and "zero tolerance errors" they have, it's just a big daunting to wanna work. Hell even workmens comp has a bit of leeway and even with HIPPY HIPPA stuff, it was not as stringent.

I do feel that if I leave this place, it would be a huge let down on myself. As much as I like a challenge and everything, there is just a bit of comfort that is needed to do my best. Yet, there is just a huge, nagging part of me - a small voice is saying loudly not to go on for your own mental health. I have not talked to many about this, mostly because I have been unable to trust many things. And those, I have confided in are pretty much worried about me. Which is the biggest reason why I hate to tell my thoughts to anyone. I don't like to have people worry about me. I feel guilty as hell. I'm sorry to everyone I have been making worry about me. :(

Now, you see what's been up - well, most of what I feel I can share. I think at the end of the day, I will do what I need to keep going on.

I hope to not be so away from you for so long. I am sorry.

Forgive me...

SAW