And then there are people like me who are pretty much the equivalent of a social cockroach. I think throughout my years of engaging in the Social Experiment, I have really attempted to engage in much of social situations only to really fade into the background and just observe. Mostly because I am not one of those people who can just walk into a room and float around and speak with everyone in such a friendly manner. That has been something that I never could master, or even try to attempt. Mostly because it feels so damn awkward for me.
The parties and engagements that I used go to, while were not as many as some would assume, I mostly kept to a very select group of people and even then, for very few moments because I just honestly felt like I was really there as a forced conversation or convenience at the best of times. So, I usually just stay there briefly and make my ceremonial exit. Not really being missed or thought of for many.
I do think that at times I have an ability to make people forget that I was there after a few moments. You kind of question yourself and think was I even there or was it just a fleeting thought that I was there at all. It does work to my advantage sometimes; however, there are times when I do think does my existence, play any impactful role in other's lives. It used to be a question that I would ask myself hundreds of times over the years. Now as I have gotten older, I honestly think I already know the answer however I don't think like I like that solution.
Many years ago, during the Yahoo Chat Era, I have come across so many people of so many different backgrounds, nationalities. Some I keep in touch with loosely, some I avoided or been avoided for some reason or another. Good or ill. But it all goes to question; did I ever, even briefly, make any type of effect on their lives by me being there. I don't think I have if I was to be honest with myself. I don't think if anyone was to mention my name it would be any fondness if there is any memory at all. It is sometimes something I wish I could just do, wipe out the memories of me from many people. Or wipe it from myself as well. I think that much of the traumas that I had endured would have been lessened greatly if I could just pluck those memories out like an eyebrow. I know some would say that you shouldn't do that because those experiences are what makes humans grow and become who they are. But I question them with this counter-question. Do you think those individuals would probably find a greater sense of happiness and fulfillment of the Self, if they did not encounter those things that have messed them up to a point where they struggle with their lives?
I think I have become so socially withdrawn that I have de-evolved into a recluse, and I think that is a good thing for me. I think growing up pretty much a loner, gave me a deeper understanding of being able to be independent and self-reliant. It was for the lack of effort or even planting myself in those socio-groups, I just think deep down I was just a person who had much of the social acceptance of the aforementioned cockroach. I know that you should be oneself, but the question to ask is what happens if being yourself makes one an outcast?
I guess that is a question to ask. I just hope that I don't lose my sanity once I find the answer.
SAW
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