A letter

 Dear Heart,

How you doing my friend? Excuse me, how were you doing? I know it has been a lifetime since we last spoken. I had every intention in reaching out to you just to speak to you, just to give you an update with things in our lives. So many years have passed and I know I neglected you. I have no excuse in why I did that. I look at your grave now and see the stones, crumbling. Weeds filling your spot. I should have been more considerate and taken care of things here. Given you the final peace you deserved. It seems like I have abandoned you twice. But, I wanted to give you honestly an explanation:

You know that things with us have not exactly been the best in our life. We used to be so optimistic, full of hope and if I was to be honest with you, (totally honest) very naïve. Because I always been someone who saw the positive in things. Especially in  terms of love and relationships. I have put you into so many dangerous positions, entrusted you to so many to protect you. To nourish you, let you grow into something so beautiful. So perfect. To become a gift to the world. 

Yet, I put you through so much abuse, left you in hands of women who did nothing but break you, shatter you into pieces so small that I knew well I could never find some of you again. It wasn't I did it out of spite or anger. I wanted to give you to someone who I could entrust with you. But it seems like I gave you to women who just never could care of something so delicate. Yet, it's my fault too, I wanted to place you into the hands of people who promised me never to hurt you, only to crush you with lies, manipulation, bullshit, and the toxicity that you never deserved. 

Every time I healed you, I know that much of you diminished. But don't think that I didn't care about you. I tried again to be that person I once was. Yet, things never seemed to change. I know you felt unwanted, unappreciated, unloved. Trust me, Heart, I know the feelings. You felt eroded. Becoming smaller and smaller, hanging on a lifeline. My soul and my hopes were in the same place. I left you to save myself. You were breaking, so was I. I was just seeing how cold the world was. When you was dying, I was broken in the worst way. I should have guarded you to the last, yet I was scared to hold you. You were so fragile; seeing you made me guilty because of so much abuse you endured. Yet, I suffered so much. I wanted to avoid any intimacy, any contact from women because of the physical, mental and emotional pains that I just lived through. You know their names, their faces. The pains turned me cold, turned to hate. In the hate I saw the true clarity in so many things. 

I WAS BROKEN BEYOND REDEMTION.

It was no excuse, only telling the truth. I wanted to hide from everyone and everything. I think what's worse then hiding my feelings, my pains and the anguish. Just being able to talk about all of it to people was the worse thing you can do. The "Man Up" Movement was the worse thing you can do to a guy. But, I think we are guilty of it. We are never able to express our pains, tell our feelings, let out cries out for we are judged, condemned, ridiculed. Can't tell your boys, and tell your girlfriend or any female significant other, you can cancel that plan. So many times, they don't want to hear it, other times they don't care, and worse, use it against you. Those few that truly care are one in a million. 

I don't say all this to burden you with my struggles, I only want to tell you why I kept away. I was so low, so lost, so alone. I only can turn to the very demons that I been fighting my whole life. Embraced them as the true friends that was ever there for me. They heard my cries and never judged me. Loved me when few or others never could. The demons became my family, and within that the Darkness that was always there held me. I knew that I was safe but in being safe, I let you suffer. 

I had honestly no choice. If I was to survive with my own life and I mean really survive, I had to let you go. For me to live, you had to die. I didn't make this decision easily. Please understand. I never wanted this for you. I never wanted to leave you to your fate. I wanted more of you. I wanted more for us. I wanted the happy ever after everyone wanted. But, I was not meant to have that gift. 

I buried you with the whole notion that I would never hold you again, never give you to anyone else again. To become the heartless soul that I was born to be. But in that, I have seen more of the truth in others that seem to be in may ways the kindred spirits. Seeing men that have been on the same path of the broken soul just in ways not feel so alone. Yet, I know that each walk is the one that is made for our own. 

I wish things could have been different between you and me my Heart. I wish that you and I could have made things better, to give light and love to that person suitable. But you know the truth better than I do. That lot was not meant for me. Karma, the Cosmic Balance, Bad Luck, or whatever it is, I  the train has long sense departed from that station. Yet, I want you to know that, things that happened was not any of your fault. It was mine. 

I don't ask for your forgiveness. I don't deserve it, nor want you to. I betrayed you in a need to keep myself safe. But, I never wanted things to be as it is. I wish you are at peace. Know that I am. I have no tears left to shed for you. No more glue to put you back together. Know that I am ok right now. I have become the devoid human that I was meant to be. I am sorry you become the last causality of my personal war. I have always loved you. Even when I was able to protect you, to trust you with others.

I wanted to come to you, feeling empty, yet full. Maybe in the next life, if there is one, we will reunite and feel better. I love you. 

Marco

Why staying silent has always been best...

There was a topic that was asked that I just had to speak about. I didn't want to do it in the group, but I needed to say it here.  The question was, why do men not always speak their feelings, why can't they open up? You can ask a million men, and you may get a million different answers, but I will totally bet my retirement that there will be about the same reasons. Most men would say lots of things:

We can't talk about ourselves because in a society that rewards the strong-minded man and condemns the weak-men. Survival of the fittest, we can't have no signs of weakness in any aspect. We can't talk about our feelings because it's something that at the very core is a weakness in ourselves. And if we do talk about it, we usually get told to and guys, how many of these have you heard.

"Get over it!"

"Just man up!"

"Stop being a pussy!"

"Walk it off!"

"You not a woman, stop acting like one!"

"Men can't have feelings!"

"Men don't cry!"

There are an endless plethora of other things that I can add, but you get the jest of it. Sadly, our feelings in many aspects are invalid, ignored or just down right stomped on. And if you are in a relationship, I'm about 95% certain if you try to put your feelings out there, many times they will listen but RARELY hear. Yes, there is a big difference between both. Our feelings in many regards will be used against us. Yes our emotional vulnerability can be weaponized against us. And believe me, if you want to totally destroy a man to their very core, just destroy their emotions  

It's why many times we keep it bottled up inside and let it destroy us. It's better we let the pain kill us then let society do it for men. So many ask who can you call when you at your lowest. Honestly, 99% of the men wills say no one. We may have one lifeline but we are so scared to throw our burdens on them that we just want to spare them the need to listen to us. So we leave it for ourselves. We rather be alone than burden others with our issues. Besides, we have to "MAN UP!" and just keep going. 

SO what do we do, we just put on a smile, buckle up our boots and keep walking with the pains, the demons, the aches. Because it's what we are expected to do. It's what society demands of us. I mean men are not human, we are to be emotionless automatons that must confirm to the expectations. As one wise man said. "Men smile in public, suffer in private. Laugh loudly, suffer in silence."

Such a stigma to men's mental health is to the point that men just gave up on everything, myself included. We can't express ourselves without feeling embarrassed, get ridiculed, laughed at, ignored, have it used against us, called out, etc. 

The pain of it all can lead men down the darkest roads, and few come back from it. Many times, they don't want to come back. They don't wish to see, or exist anymore in the state they are in. So they either turn to drugs, alcohol, social isolation and a multitude of other avenues. Few of them are positive, many more are negative and sadly, some to the absolute extreme. 

While it's a touchy subject to even discuss, it has to be said. Many men in this state, would rather just end it all then keep going. Men's suicide has been at an all time high and statically, men commit suicide 4 times as much as females. And when such a sad, occurrence happens,  the billions of the same "Questions" are asked, let's see if you heard this before.

"Why didn't he reach out to someone?"

"What was wrong with him that was so bad that he just ended his life?"

"How come he, didn't reach out to me, I would had listened?"

And with that, the great blame game is always thrown out. 

"Suicide is a coward's way out" 

"Suicide is a permeant fix to a temporary problem"

"You only pass the pain to others now because you are so selfish."

"Life is hard, he just was not strong enough to live it."

"He just wanted to seek attention."

And on and on... 

Society has always been easy to throw the blame cards like $100 bills but do not even think of the roots of the problems. Men do suffer harsh conditions by just being men. We have to shoulder the burdens of being the provider, the builder, the bread winner, the foundation of everything. Many times with very little validations, little complements (genuine ones at that..we can tell the difference between sincerity and bullshit).

Why is this, you ask. Why do men have such suffering? Well it's impossible to answer. But, for me, it's the lack of trust. The lack of empathy. The lack of just sincere understanding. And mostly the social labeling that we get thrown at. Let's throw a few examples out there shall we:

If you are a "Nice Guy" or suffer from what women call "Nice Guy Syndrome" meaning that you always kind, willing to help others do for others, many times not asking for nothing in return. They get thrown ooh he is a nice guy and wants something and just trying to do this for getting a relationship or sex or whatnot. 

NO STUPID! Have you ever think for a second that he could be suffering in silence and just being a decent human being is a coping mechanism. Nope, because society has put chains of decency to be a tale-tale sign of ulterior motives and not genuine altruism.

If you are the "Emotionally Unavailable Man" the guy who is do devoid of any type of emotional connection that he just simply exits to just do whatever it takes to survive. He is distant, he really just talks to you with a few amount of content. Pushing people away just to protect themselves. He will help you in every way possible but just not give you the content of emotion he need. 

The so-called "ALPHA MAN". The one who has the built Abrams Tank or Dad Bod (if you believe the TikTok propaganda) 6ft+, bearded and tattooed men that just suppose to be the classic definition of what a real man is. They suppose to have machismo oozing out their veins and their hairy face is a magnet to attack the mental barriers of women's desires. Of course, we can't ignore that this can be the "preference" that many want in partners and we have to respect it. But, how often does one lose out on their Mr. Right, chasing Mr. Stereotype? Not that anyone will care about that right. Open-mindedness is a thing of the past. Just breathes toxic-masculinity. But society calls it sexy. 

The "True Silent" Man. He is probably the most dangerous. For he is always the one who laughs and never stops talking. Always willing to bring comfort to others, yet in his mind he is always overthinking. His feelings are at the surface, ready to blow up. When he is truly quiet, he never says a word. They are a silent hurricane of rage that will explode when they can't take no more. 

I can go on and on...I can talk about the death of chivalry, I can talk about what the definition of a "man" is suppose to be. I can talk about the social ridicules that we throw on ourselves. The racial and ethnical toxicity of male emotions. But that would take forever to write. 

Male mental health is just a thing that most will never talk about. It's the silent "elephant' in the room that we all know exist but will never speak about it. We can talk about our feelings but it will go ignored, unacknowledged, uncared. We just told to walk it off, and just keep living our lives at a knife's edge. We don't open up because it's dangerous for our own being, our own sake. We keep our minds, our feelings, our hearts closed. I don't matter, it never mattered. The stigma has become too ingrained into society and I honestly don't think it will ever change. We carry our burdens to the grave. And when asked; how we are doing? 

How are we doing? 

With a broken mind, a broken heart, a broken life, a fake smile, a insincere laugh, with a silent suffering of our souls, with the stigma of being "human", with the need to "Man Up" so we man up. We suck it up with empty words that will ignored. Being tired, exhausted, drained, hopeless and empty...

We simply answer.

"I'm doing fine."

Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

 

I totally hate feeling this. I never want to ask for help; mostly because many times I have been so burned by it that it makes me not want to do it anymore. I reached out my hand only for it to grasp nothing but air. So I learned early, that there few you can trust, fewer who will ask for help. I always been a self-sufficient person. Even as a kid, I never really been on who really asked for help from anyone. I succeeded of failed on my own. I hated to ask for help because it made me feel like I just was so weak or getting judged for failing to achieve anything on my own. If I did it on my own, the accomplishment just feels more authentic, more personal. Doing it with some help just seems to cheapen it. As if, you just couldn't handle whatever you had to do and seek assistance. Now I know there are numerous exceptions to this. Logically, you can't carry a couch by yourself, unless you got superhuman strength or assisting someone who could be disabled, yes those are important and they need the help if asked. So I just keep striving to do it on myself.