There was a topic that was asked that I just had to speak about. I didn't want to do it in the group, but I needed to say it here. The question was, why do men not always speak their feelings, why can't they open up? You can ask a million men, and you may get a million different answers, but I will totally bet my retirement that there will be about the same reasons. Most men would say lots of things:
We can't talk about ourselves because in a society that rewards the strong-minded man and condemns the weak-men. Survival of the fittest, we can't have no signs of weakness in any aspect. We can't talk about our feelings because it's something that at the very core is a weakness in ourselves. And if we do talk about it, we usually get told to and guys, how many of these have you heard.
"Get over it!"
"Just man up!"
"Stop being a pussy!"
"Walk it off!"
"You not a woman, stop acting like one!"
"Men can't have feelings!"
"Men don't cry!"
There are an endless plethora of other things that I can add, but you get the jest of it. Sadly, our feelings in many aspects are invalid, ignored or just down right stomped on. And if you are in a relationship, I'm about 95% certain if you try to put your feelings out there, many times they will listen but RARELY hear. Yes, there is a big difference between both. Our feelings in many regards will be used against us. Yes our emotional vulnerability can be weaponized against us. And believe me, if you want to totally destroy a man to their very core, just destroy their emotions
It's why many times we keep it bottled up inside and let it destroy us. It's better we let the pain kill us then let society do it for men. So many ask who can you call when you at your lowest. Honestly, 99% of the men wills say no one. We may have one lifeline but we are so scared to throw our burdens on them that we just want to spare them the need to listen to us. So we leave it for ourselves. We rather be alone than burden others with our issues. Besides, we have to "MAN UP!" and just keep going.
SO what do we do, we just put on a smile, buckle up our boots and keep walking with the pains, the demons, the aches. Because it's what we are expected to do. It's what society demands of us. I mean men are not human, we are to be emotionless automatons that must confirm to the expectations. As one wise man said. "Men smile in public, suffer in private. Laugh loudly, suffer in silence."
Such a stigma to men's mental health is to the point that men just gave up on everything, myself included. We can't express ourselves without feeling embarrassed, get ridiculed, laughed at, ignored, have it used against us, called out, etc.
The pain of it all can lead men down the darkest roads, and few come back from it. Many times, they don't want to come back. They don't wish to see, or exist anymore in the state they are in. So they either turn to drugs, alcohol, social isolation and a multitude of other avenues. Few of them are positive, many more are negative and sadly, some to the absolute extreme.
While it's a touchy subject to even discuss, it has to be said. Many men in this state, would rather just end it all then keep going. Men's suicide has been at an all time high and statically, men commit suicide 4 times as much as females. And when such a sad, occurrence happens, the billions of the same "Questions" are asked, let's see if you heard this before.
"Why didn't he reach out to someone?"
"What was wrong with him that was so bad that he just ended his life?"
"How come he, didn't reach out to me, I would had listened?"
And with that, the great blame game is always thrown out.
"Suicide is a coward's way out"
"Suicide is a permeant fix to a temporary problem"
"You only pass the pain to others now because you are so selfish."
"Life is hard, he just was not strong enough to live it."
"He just wanted to seek attention."
And on and on...
Society has always been easy to throw the blame cards like $100 bills but do not even think of the roots of the problems. Men do suffer harsh conditions by just being men. We have to shoulder the burdens of being the provider, the builder, the bread winner, the foundation of everything. Many times with very little validations, little complements (genuine ones at that..we can tell the difference between sincerity and bullshit).
Why is this, you ask. Why do men have such suffering? Well it's impossible to answer. But, for me, it's the lack of trust. The lack of empathy. The lack of just sincere understanding. And mostly the social labeling that we get thrown at. Let's throw a few examples out there shall we:
If you are a "Nice Guy" or suffer from what women call "Nice Guy Syndrome" meaning that you always kind, willing to help others do for others, many times not asking for nothing in return. They get thrown ooh he is a nice guy and wants something and just trying to do this for getting a relationship or sex or whatnot.
NO STUPID! Have you ever think for a second that he could be suffering in silence and just being a decent human being is a coping mechanism. Nope, because society has put chains of decency to be a tale-tale sign of ulterior motives and not genuine altruism.
If you are the "Emotionally Unavailable Man" the guy who is do devoid of any type of emotional connection that he just simply exits to just do whatever it takes to survive. He is distant, he really just talks to you with a few amount of content. Pushing people away just to protect themselves. He will help you in every way possible but just not give you the content of emotion he need.
The so-called "ALPHA MAN". The one who has the built Abrams Tank or Dad Bod (if you believe the TikTok propaganda) 6ft+, bearded and tattooed men that just suppose to be the classic definition of what a real man is. They suppose to have machismo oozing out their veins and their hairy face is a magnet to attack the mental barriers of women's desires. Of course, we can't ignore that this can be the "preference" that many want in partners and we have to respect it. But, how often does one lose out on their Mr. Right, chasing Mr. Stereotype? Not that anyone will care about that right. Open-mindedness is a thing of the past. Just breathes toxic-masculinity. But society calls it sexy.
The "True Silent" Man. He is probably the most dangerous. For he is always the one who laughs and never stops talking. Always willing to bring comfort to others, yet in his mind he is always overthinking. His feelings are at the surface, ready to blow up. When he is truly quiet, he never says a word. They are a silent hurricane of rage that will explode when they can't take no more.
I can go on and on...I can talk about the death of chivalry, I can talk about what the definition of a "man" is suppose to be. I can talk about the social ridicules that we throw on ourselves. The racial and ethnical toxicity of male emotions. But that would take forever to write.
Male mental health is just a thing that most will never talk about. It's the silent "elephant' in the room that we all know exist but will never speak about it. We can talk about our feelings but it will go ignored, unacknowledged, uncared. We just told to walk it off, and just keep living our lives at a knife's edge. We don't open up because it's dangerous for our own being, our own sake. We keep our minds, our feelings, our hearts closed. I don't matter, it never mattered. The stigma has become too ingrained into society and I honestly don't think it will ever change. We carry our burdens to the grave. And when asked; how we are doing?
How are we doing?
With a broken mind, a broken heart, a broken life, a fake smile, a insincere laugh, with a silent suffering of our souls, with the stigma of being "human", with the need to "Man Up" so we man up. We suck it up with empty words that will ignored. Being tired, exhausted, drained, hopeless and empty...
We simply answer.
"I'm doing fine."
