Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

 

I totally hate feeling this. I never want to ask for help; mostly because many times I have been so burned by it that it makes me not want to do it anymore. I reached out my hand only for it to grasp nothing but air. So I learned early, that there few you can trust, fewer who will ask for help. I always been a self-sufficient person. Even as a kid, I never really been on who really asked for help from anyone. I succeeded of failed on my own. I hated to ask for help because it made me feel like I just was so weak or getting judged for failing to achieve anything on my own. If I did it on my own, the accomplishment just feels more authentic, more personal. Doing it with some help just seems to cheapen it. As if, you just couldn't handle whatever you had to do and seek assistance. Now I know there are numerous exceptions to this. Logically, you can't carry a couch by yourself, unless you got superhuman strength or assisting someone who could be disabled, yes those are important and they need the help if asked. So I just keep striving to do it on myself. 

Silence sometimes make the loudest noise...

Questions I asked myself....

 

During those nights, I sit in the dark and I ponder some of the deepest questions that I know have no real answers. But, it does bare deep discussion. 

1. Can one not find the capacity to love? 

I always think that deep down there are some people who can not find their so-called ability to love. It can be a bit of a forced or faked for the sake of the significant other's own personal feelings. However, I honestly think that is the worst thing one can do to an individual. And in the end, it does hurt you as well. 

2. Can one not have a soulmate if one don't have a soul? 

This has been a question that I have asked myself since high school. Mostly, during that time, many people have moments of self-discovery. Me, I have many evaluations of knowing that one such as me don't have much of a soul that would match anyone. Mostly because, I learned very early I felt very soulless. And over the years, I shielded myself from trying to put myself out there to find some type of romantic connection. Not out of thinking that someone would be able to conquer the darkness in my heart, but to break them to a point they become one of the choir of the empty. It's something I would not wish on anyone. 

If I was to be honest with you, the concept of "soulmates" is a big illusion of dreamers and poets. The hopeless romantics who think there is a missing part of someone that would complete them. Maybe there was a time long ago, I could have been one of those dreamers, so full of optimism and wonder of that one person who will sweep in and share her soul with an empty shell, or even grow one for me. If such a silly notion is possible. Thing is I never believed that there is always an equal number of so called souls on earth at every given time. And what about those who live their lives without even encountering their opposite? Alas, those are the worst who suffer. I feel for them.

3. Is it wrong to not anyone fall in love with you?

No matter how much those people may have genuine feelings for an individual person. Mostly because that person they are in love with is so broken, so devoid of feelings, so completely nullified of any emotional attachment that it becomes impossible to have any type of romantic interactions with people? I have asked myself that question for the longest time. Is it because of the rejections or the let downs that some people have endured that it makes them feel incapable of having those types of desires. I know that many women have probably pondered this, but rest assured that men have done the same. It's just considered taboo for a man to express such things. It shows a bit of weakness for men to have these types of feelings. Got to love the social stigmas. There are more that I could go into but honestly, it would become an essay. 

I know these questions don't have any answer and it's rhetorical at best, mind-numbing at worst. But, I don't wish this type of dilemmas on anyone. Anyone who is out there with these situations, know that I feel your thoughts and pains my friend. I hope you can find the answers; and probably share in your discoveries. 

SAW

Time has passed...

I'm so sorry about the long hiatus. Trust me, it's not by choice - it was mostly because I have really just not able to speak what it on my mind or in my heart. But, that is no excuse and deep down I'm so sorry.

A good bit of things have went on since I last spoke to you. I lost my job at the old place a few months back. I never told anyone outside my circle this. Mostly, because for the biggest reason, I just didn't want folks to ask questions, feel sorry for me, or just don't need the rumors going on. However, I will say their reason was the biggest bunch of bullshit ever. In the beginning, it was kind of a blessing in disguise to be away from there. I don't miss anything about it except the paycheck. Yet, being in a place as long as one can be, it just does give a sense of accomplishment.

Fast forward to now, I have landed a job at a place that in all purposes is a total change around. Going into a small, relaxed office to a complete, full-blown call center; it's a complete culture shock. And somehow, that isn't the biggest thing; to have a  place that is so big-brother it can make George Orwell proud is a huge understatement. I understand having a place where they have a sense of accountability and the likes, but they take it to the biggest extreme. It's a line before being accountable and being micromanaged to death. When you have a system that times everything from going to breaks, being on the phone with calls, to everything else, it just a big on the extreme.

I know deep down, after 2 weeks, I can say this is not a good fit for me. Just seeing how the company operates, and the massive amount of system tools they use on a daily basis, plus the amount of regs and "zero tolerance errors" they have, it's just a big daunting to wanna work. Hell even workmens comp has a bit of leeway and even with HIPPY HIPPA stuff, it was not as stringent.

I do feel that if I leave this place, it would be a huge let down on myself. As much as I like a challenge and everything, there is just a bit of comfort that is needed to do my best. Yet, there is just a huge, nagging part of me - a small voice is saying loudly not to go on for your own mental health. I have not talked to many about this, mostly because I have been unable to trust many things. And those, I have confided in are pretty much worried about me. Which is the biggest reason why I hate to tell my thoughts to anyone. I don't like to have people worry about me. I feel guilty as hell. I'm sorry to everyone I have been making worry about me. :(

Now, you see what's been up - well, most of what I feel I can share. I think at the end of the day, I will do what I need to keep going on.

I hope to not be so away from you for so long. I am sorry.

Forgive me...

SAW

Another day...another amount of bullshit...

So it seems that I would never think that things would be so bad. But, alas, NOOOO!!! Today has been a day from hell. It seem that I am working with hypocrites and in a place of pure hypocrisy.
Today we had one of those weekly "trust huddles"- something that I think it's more of a weekly meetings that seem to be everyone plays a game of "let's all jump on me day!" I along with the rest of the folks in my group (I do have a few choice words I can use, except for one who is new) decided discuss the works and the intents of the group. And as my supervisor said, have a come to Jesus meeting. Which I am pretty much saying it's all about me but want to keep it informal of everyone in the group. But, I do know that it's about me. Getting told off in some blah blah tirade about not being able to follow up with things, bitches complain about not doing something that I was going to do, now want to just drop everything to have their work done. Some asshole want to just trip about have pride in the work that we do. If you want to work and have a job to have a bit more pride in what we do. I'm like oooh who made you head of the propaganda department and cheernazi. And then had the audacity to say folks being on their phones doing posts on facebook and whatnot and I'm like you the fucking poster child of doing that shit, talking about your fucking dogs or looking at youtube talking about ooh how cute the animals are. I'm like pot meet kettle. I wanted to speak out soooo much but I didn't. I had to laugh when the supervisor was saying one person did 40 cases and if that is what going to happen why do we need to have what we have. I'm like well if one person wanna do 40 cases and burn out let her. I don't know the rest of what was said, I withdrawn myself into my mind to find some peace and quiet. I just could not pay attention of the shit. And for the rest of the day, I didn't speak to anyone unless needed to.

I do know that this is going to be ending soon, I don't know if they want me to quit or get fired. I have no idea. But, I just know they going to be have my wrath come out and I will quit and will have my say in the meantime. I been trying to keep my composure. I talk to my parents about all this and they saying to pray and just do what you can and if I need to quit, just quit. But, I don't want to do that unless it's necessary. I don't need to have the financial burdens being set as I look for a new job. Heaven help me that I can try to keep my sanity for real.

Blog Therapy..

I am doing this blog therapy because for some damned reason, society shuns you to take spiked baseball bats to work and bash people over the head like undead zombies or something like that. So now, I just have to let myself vent onto the world wide web in my own corner of the cyber realm.

I do apologize to those who been waiting for me to update my blogs. I just have been in such a bad place over the last few months, I just could not force myself to write down what's on my mind. For the reason, it was just too dark, painful, and honestly a bit too dangerous for anyone really to understand what's up.

But to give you a recap of things, here is the Cliff Notes version of events.

Well the Skank of my Job has finally left the place to find new plague infested lands up north to spawn her annoying life and make others miserable. I for one do not miss her. If it did I would miss her with a semi and try to reverse it to hit her. There always been so much tension between us over the last few years working together, I don't know why. I never had much of a bad opinion about her, except she was a very self-absorbed, self-centered, self-righteous twatcicle who always had to be right and heaven help you if you tried to countermand the notion that the universe revolved around this fool. What was even funnier is that she wanted to take over the supervisory position and be in charge of everyone. Well, I would tell you now, boys and girls is that if that would had happened, there would been a mass exodus of folks leaving and I would been first out the door. I never knew how much she was disliked until after she left. The tension and the aura of blah seemed to have been evaporated. But then again, I think it's still there.

I am really starting to hate my job more and more by the day. It was a point that I was starting to find a bit of happiness - OK, maybe not happiness; but a sense of contentment. But, now of days, it just takes almost an epic effort just to get out of bed and find the motivation to go travel to the bus stop, head down to Richardson, and work 8 hours a day.

Problem is that mostly everyone is just so damned triffling and when I say triffling, it's like everyone is out for themselves. Ever since the company got sold "yeah, we are now part of a massive conglomerate, that's been after us for years so it would seem" the whole dynamic has changed to something so different.

I had very little interactions with the new people that is running to show, and to be 100% honest, I don't really want to. But management is still management and management is still all about the bottom line. Which wouldn't be so bad - if the damn people I work with wouldn't be such damn snippy bitches who just feel like they have to tattle on every thing. I mean things that don't need to escalated to management could just easily be told to people but nope...gotta copy every manager on this like telling you mom on your siblings' every damn movement, mistake and whatnot. I'm like damn bitch...STOP SNITCHING!!!!!

But you know that it's almost impossible for something like that to happen. And now you have people who try to pretend to be like the 2nd in command and act like they semi-bosses themselves. I just try to be a bit accommodating for the sake of keeping some type of peace. But, there times when I just have had enough of the bullshit.

Perfect example is a few weeks ago, it just been a total bad day; when I say bad day, I mean let's take a trip to Clusterfuck City - where everything that can go wrong, just went wrong and it's Dogpile on me day. Well, people say oooh it's just constructive criticism but you can only take so much of it until it just becomes a bit more of personal attacks. When, I got to a point where I had enough and lashed out for the briefest of moments. And when I said lashed out, I mean I almost let out my darkside come out and I would probably be out of a job because I would just spoke my mind on a few folks who would not like what I would have to say. But, I counted to 10 in my mind, breathed deeply and chained my emotions back down. I don't like to lose my self-control as I have. Because, that would be something that noone would want me to see, it's a dangerous thing. Trust me on that one.

I think to be honest, I did put a bit of a scare in some people because I never let my emotions get the best of me - yet, there comes a time that even the strongest of wills slip and you going to see the true self come out. I have fought a long time to keep that part of me away. The masks I wear really is for the protection of others. Yet, there is going to be a time that I will say to hell with it all and let the demons out to play and I will not be held responsible for the outcome of all this.

I know the question begs to be asked, why don't I just look for another job. Well, I am already in the process of doing that. But, I don't want to leave until I know for certain I can find something, or already have something put into place before I go. There is no sense in leaving a sure thing for nothing. Yet, there have been many times and I do mean many times, I have been so tempted to pack up my bag and chuck a deuce to everyone there and say fuck you all in this estrogen ocean.

more to come later.

It's Story Time Boys and Girls...

Well, it's been a long time since I have actually sat down and written anything of some significance. But, this was something that just came out and I just had to write it. SO I just put on some dark ambient music..*(yes I'm such a nerd)*, fired up Microsofty Wordy and started writing.

If anyone knows me knows that I am a HUGE Lovecraft fan. Well, this is something that kind of out of the Lovecraft universe. But, it not so blatant. Well I edited it and had one of my best friends do some editing and proofreading. Thanks Ms. T for your help. I will be writing more soon, been having a few more ideas to throw out. Maybe have something out of the Cthulhu Mythos to get your minds wandering and sleep with your eyes open. Watch out for the Monster Under Your Bed....

And without further adieu and poo-poo, turn off your lights and read some good stuff.

The Universal Goddess

I have traveled this desert for days, leaving my past behind. My present and my future is this endless sea of sand with death stalking me in all its myriad forms.   Traveling eastward, I have no definite destination; yet I know I must go east.  My clothes are in tatters, the merciless sun punishing me for my ill-preparedness on this journey. The pack I carry has very little in terms of provisions: a canteen with enough water for one swallow, at best two if I am very careful; a flashlight, that has seen better days; and a rolled up scroll made of ancient looking dark paper.

The scroll was given to me by a man wearing a brown robe and white turban. This, what I could only assume was a holy man, thrusts this scroll into my chest as I stepped out onto the street from the local tavern.   Without saying a word, he continued to run as if the devil himself was giving chase.  I wanted to run after him, but something made me stand in place.  I looked down at the eerie scroll.  It seems to call to me, beckoning me to open it.  I try to throw it away into a nearby fire pit where some people are cooking.  I want to be done with it.  Yet, I cannot do it. Curiosity or something else more primal urges or yet, commands me to open it. Compelled, I open it, slowly. I look at the contents of the scroll. The words are in a language that I cannot begin to understand. As my eyes loom over the writing, I can almost “hear” the words being burned into my head. The pain is intense, making me close my eyes.  But, as quickly as the pain came, it subsides. As I opened my eyes, I saw what was written on the scroll...

To the east, travel to the black pyramids before the first night of the full moon. Witness the great birth. Witness her coming and become one with her.

I steal a horse from a man too drunk to remember what happened and head out, towards the impending sunrise.  The first few days, I see nothing but endless sands and the occasional birds flying overhead. My horse died after the third day so I settled on foot, leaving it for the vultures to feast on. But I keep going; tearing strips of my clothes to cover my face and skin that was not burned raw from the sun’s abuse yet.  At night, I sleep when I can, but only for a few hours then I can no longer resist, I have to continue on.

I cannot stop, for the full moon is a few more days.  The words still filling my head over and over to the point of losing my sanity, and yet it feels comforting.

The day before the full moon, I reach a large sand dune. Exhaustion was claiming me. I push on; forcing me to traverses the sand that could easily swallow me to my death any moment.  Every step is a step closer to my goal.  As I reached the top of the dune, I feel a sharp pain threw in my head. I almost stumble back down to one knee, yet I manage to maintain my balance. As fast as the pain came, it then left me. I looked at the sky. The sun is starting its slow descent into the western horizon, bringing an end to the day.  As I watch the sun disappear, I see the shadows of a building.

The pyramid, my goal; it is in sight.

With a sudden burst of energy, I move quickly down the dune.  It does not take long for me to make it past the dunes and see a long road. It looks as if it leads to the pyramid. Needing no further encouragement, I run towards the pyramid. As the sun sets behind the pyramid it casts a long shadow as I get closer to the base.  When I reach the pyramid, I am taken aback in the size of the structure. It is the largest building I have ever seen. How could something this massive be hidden from the eyes of the world? It would take hours to walk around its perimeter. I walk around, looking for some way to enter the pyramid. But, there does not seem to be a way in.  Just then, another pain hits my head. The pain is too much, like sharp needles piercing my brain.  I feel something running down my nose. I place my left hand on it and wipe it off. It’s…blood. I tear off a swatch of fabric from what is left of my shirt to staunch the blood.

I place my hand on the smooth black stones of the pyramid to maintain my balance. Just as my bloody hand touches the stone, a massive crack begins to form. The crack widens enough to allow me to passage into the dark abyss of the pyramid.  As soon as I pass the threshold, the crack closes as quickly as it had formed. 

I find myself in a lit chamber.  The chamber is circular with only one exit. The room itself is empty except for a few overturned shelves and several skeletons. It stank of age and neglect. I reach for my service revolver and grab a torch from the fall wall and make my way to the exit. Outside the chamber, is a long corridor; with a rope bridge midway. I walk towards it and I can hear the echoes of my footsteps. Each step I take, sounding like a thunderous herald of my arrival, with a few rats taking cover from the potential danger. I look down at my watch, the sun has already gone down and the moon will be rising soon. I hurry my pace towards the bridge. As I reach the bridge, I see that it is worn with age. Most of the boards have rotted away and the ropes look like they could break at any moment. I doubt that it could hold my weight. And, if it did, it would not hold it for very long. I look down at the other side and it is nothing but pure blackness. A chasm that looks never ending. If I were to fall, I do not think I would ever reach the bottom in my lifetime. I then look up and what I see is astounding. A clear darken sky with stars and celestial bodies that look like nothing that would be seen from Earth. Orbs of light forming into a spiral then explode into shards that rain towards me, yet disintegrate shortly after.

With careful steps, I place my left foot on the bridge. The wood begins to creak, but it holds some of my weight. I put my gun back into its holster and hold on to the rope of the bridge for support. I place one foot in front of the other, ignoring those pieces of wood that look like they would disintegrate if a feather should fall on it.  Moving forward, and then from nowhere, a gust wind sweeps across the bridge, causing it to sway to and fro. I try not to panic, yet it is taking all my reserve of courage to do so. I hear a crack as I take another step and see that one of the boards is about to give way. I ease my foot off it and attempt to step to the next board. However, there is no next board. Empty blackness is all I see before me. I begin to think if I try to use the ropes and shimmy across would it hold my weight long enough or would it break and I would fall to my doom.

I put my hand on the rope that looks the sturdiest, holding my torch in the other. I start to move across. It seems to hold and I make good progress.  Whether it was good fortune or Providence, I make it to the other side of the bridge and reach solid ground. Sweat pouring from my face and my breathing is becoming more labored. I take a look at my new surroundings. There is a raised dais that looks like it was made of solid marble. Symbols and words that I cannot begin to comprehend were etched into the dais itself. Statues of humans and others otherworldly dominated everywhere. Some of the statues sent a sense of fear and terror through my psyche. I cast my eyes away towards the top of the dais and see a soft, blue glow. I feel so compelled to walk towards it. My body moves of its own accord toward the glow. Step by step I move up the dais to the light. As I approach closer, the intensity of the light becomes apparent.

 I reach the top of the dais and I see statues of robed figures kneeling in a semi-circle. Above the statues is the glowing blue orb. It is no larger than a human head and floating above the statues. I walk slowly towards it but an invisible force stops me from taking another step.

“No!”  A voice from nowhere says to me. And suddenly the statues that were surrounding the orb moved to face me and they all say no in unison.  But, I want to continue to the light. Something inside my mind is urging me to do so. Yet, I hear the words: no…no…no…. being said from the statues.  I reach for my gun and point it at the nearest statue. It stood unmoving, yet kept speaking the same word to me over and over. Instantly, I fired.  The bullet bounced off the marble, causing no damage. I fired again to the same result. Seeing that it was futile, I lowered my weapon and made no resistance to move onward.

Moments passed, I looked at my watch and saw that evening has come in full. I look up to see the celestial bodies moving toward some prearranged destination; along with the moon, bright and full, moving towards the center. I reach into my pack and pull out the scroll that started all of this. When I open the scroll, the statues move back to their original positions and allow me to pass. I walk, tentatively to the center of the circle, just above the glowing orb. The scroll begins to feel warm in my hands, as if it was becoming incarnated by some unknown fire. I do not open the scroll for I am afraid of what may happen.  My hands begin to tremble and I am thinking about turning around and leaving. But, I have come too far now that I cannot go back. I turn around and see that the dais is now… rising.

I am now in total panic. What is going on here? How is this thing floating and where is it going? This and millions of other questions form in my head. I hold onto the scroll like it is my life preserver. And, maybe in some way it is. I still do not open it, and the scroll itself is getting warmer by the second. I dare not drop it even when my hands are starting to blister from the heat of the scroll. I cannot take the pain anymore and I drop the scroll. Or I assumed that I did. As I let it fall, the scroll unrolls itself and floats in midair.  I stare at it in shock, the scroll was blank. Nothing was there except empty space.  Suddenly, words start to form on the scroll, written in red ink. Looking closer at it I realize that it is not ink, but blood. It is my blood being used to write on the scroll. The words are in a language that I could not read, yet my lips begin to speak whatever was on the scroll. Then suddenly, the statues were repeating what I was saying, softly then louder.

The scroll moves towards the center of the dais and I slowly follow behind it. This time, there is no resistance.  I walk to the center of the room and the statues seem to close around me, still chanting the same words that were written on the scroll. Every syllable I utter, I feel as if a part of me is slipping away. Yet, every time I speak those words, the orb before me grows brighter and brighter.

I look up at the night sky; the moon has reached apex and the chanting from the statues ceased at once. I also stopped chanting. The scroll burns to ashes in front of me and I fall to one knee. I look at the orb and it rises into the sky and I see it growing in size. Soon it is almost the size of me.

The orb begins to crack along the middle and   as it does, I can hear the sounds of screams from uncounted voices come from within it. The noise is almost unbearable.  I cover my ears to try to muffle the screams but it is no use. It is now in my mind, screams upon screams. I feel like I will go deaf from the onslaught of sounds. But mercifully, when I feel like I cannot withstand the pain anymore the screams end.

I look up to where the orb is, but there is no orb. In its place there was a…person; a woman. But I cannot say it’s a woman. Something beyond even such mundane description, her eyes were like suns, bright and radiant. Her hair was the spirals of galaxies. She looked as if she was made from the universe, for the universe. I instantly became enraptured with this creature. I was in love. Total unashamed love.

A voice spoke into my mind and I knew it had to be this being before me.

I have been here before your planet was even formed amongst the dust and gas of this universe. I was ancient before the spark that made reality was even conceived. I stood waiting before even The Word was uttered. Even as I come into being, I only stay for the briefest of moments.  But, when I am here, the universe shakes with my presence.  My birth screams have decimated galaxies. My last one was the reasons your dinosaurs were wiped out. My cries destroyed civilizations that your world has never heard of. My name has been spoken throughout the eons, loudly and quietly. I am the destruction to some, salvation to others.

But for you, I am something else. Something more. As you will be to me. Throughout time, I always need someone to share my experiences. For the few moments of my existence, a whole span of ages to your understanding, I need one to be witness. You can be the latest of my companions. As these statues have been. You will be one of them but as a price of that, you will see the universe in all of its glory. For the briefest moments, you will see the secrets of time and reality. You are given a great honor and a great gift.  Join me…

Before I can even respond, she is standing before me.   She embraces me. I try to move, but her strength was astounding.

Be with me. She speaks in my mind.

I cannot resist anymore. I accept my fate and accede.

I feel a strange force entering my body. I see and feel the goddess within me, showing me her life, her existence, her destiny. It is too much. I know the human mind cannot contain all of this knowledge without losing one’s sanity. I see those who came before me trying to learn just a fraction of what she knows and then die from the attempt. I see the beings that existed before time. Their names, unspeakable to the human tongue. I see a sleeping god, under the oceans waiting for the one to awaken him. I see a being whose very name can destroy the universe encased in crystal that is slowly cracking and ready to shatter. In the center of the universe, the eldest of the gods awaits oblivion. More I see, the more I lose my sense of self. I see a book, being carried by a man dressed in…

It is too much for me. I scream but no sound comes out. I see my life flash before me. My life, one of a soldier; killing those that I did not know for a man who did not care. I see my days in primary school. I see my days smoking my first cigarette.  I see myself being born. I see every moment of my life as it is being siphoned away. I see the truth of what I was to be, of what I am to become. I see that the man who gave me the scroll, a man who keeps the great book, the dreaded Necronomicon. I know what is contained in those pages, for she has shared it with me. But, I will not remember it all. I see the past, present and future.

The last image I see is of her, of the goddess, my love. She reaches out, arms extended ready to receive my embrace. I am not afraid, for I know now that this was meant for me. I feel my body becoming formless. I cannot say her name but I will say she is mine. But, I cannot claim her as my own. For none can do such a thing. She will only remain for a few million years and return to where she came, only to be reborn and the cycle starts anew. But, for what moments I have of my life as this mortal shell, it will be worth it. I don’t know what will become of me. I don’t know where the next journey will take, yet I honestly do not care. I have been given a gift that few have ever known, and even fewer can imagine. But, I do have enough of myself left to say these last few words before I am encased in this stone tomb that will serve as my home for eternity.

R’ahet azuhet smate tu. Caze tomapte sueaja. R’ahet shiua coopeq.

She came into being from nothing. But knowing she is destined to become everything. For she is the child of the universe.

She is not a child but a goddess. A universal goddess. And I love her.

SAW