How far has one progressed...

just to thrown so far back. I read this article and honestly it really made me think and wonder.

http://tpmdc.talkingpointsmemo.com/2011/04/nearly-of-mississippi-republicans-think-interracial-marriage-should-be-illegal.php

With such progress that this nation has achieved within the last few years, and yes, we have, how can something like this just be so disturbing? And the consensus of many?
And what even makes this strike a nerve for me personally is that this is from my own home state.

First of all, yes I am from Mississippi. Been there almost my entire life and I am proud to say I am from there and always will be. Yet, I hear so many of the stereotypes thrown about this state: how backward it is, where they still think it's the Civil War and not progressed to the 21st century and that racism is still the language of the day. To make matters worse, I had people ask me do they still hang people there in 2011?

There is no need of retelling my state's dark and tragic history. Or even mention that yes, there still places there that you be best not to be around after sunset, but the question you must ask is why?

The answer is as simple as the sun is bright during the day: Ignorance, fear and honestly plan stupidity.

Really make something illegal just because two people who may love each other can't get married based on a skin color. Really??? And law makers who are elected by the citizenry want this. Remember most of our elected officials have the minds and interests of their constituents' views and values. So the ideas of many are of blindness. (We not talking racism - cause everyone has an inherit racism of one or another. As sad as it is, it's there and never will be clearly eradicated.) But just on something so obvious.

I ask anyone regardless of color, political affiliation or values this one question: if it doesn't apply to you directly to you: why is it such a big deal. You not the one who is in the relationship and it don't affect you personally. Why should you or do you care? Does it affect your personal, everyday life???

Where is it that it is written you have to be one color one race to have a relationship? Will it cause some apocalyptic event for one to marry outside their race? Get a grip! In this country, show me some family line that has not veered off their tree to play in another bush. For ALL those who claim they can, I can probably say look at those "secret" branches in the closet.

Wake up people. You don't have to like it, you don't even have to acknowledge it but at least don't run around and prohibit something that has no LEGAL precedent just because you don't like it.

And for my state, let's just come into the present. Let's not be the butt of so many jokes by the rest of the nation. Wake up and open your mind and be reasonable here. It's not hard to do.

Now the winter is over...

it is time for the season of rebirth. The time of renewal and the likes. But, I learned, the more things change, the more it stays the same. Just pushed ahead months later. Trees will start to bloom, the pollen will come out to make me sneeze half my brains. People will go out starting to reproduce enmasse...blah blah blah.

And most importantly, I'll still be here. Still pondering many things that go through my messed up mind.

Someone asked me once what can possibly go through my head that makes me who I am and all? I had to sit down and really think that for a moment. Not because that question was not a valid one. It certainly is one of the more important ones. Thing is that most of it is difficult to really explain. Half the times, I can't even fish out half the thoughts out of myself. The rest of the time, trying to express it in a way that can be understood - without making those feel like they got dunce caps on their heads.

Also think that the biggest thing out of it all is that it is hard for many to understand it until they lived it, experienced it or just been caught in it. I can't say I never understand childbirth. Simply cause that would be a medical miracle and a mystery for the ages. Just as most probably can't figure out the notions of myself cause to be able to handle it. Maybe some can - have the capacity to cope with it. Others may be crushed from the burden.

And the outlets are not as reassuring that is true. How can many ever tell their feelings or thoughts if our peers rarely been in them or have think their way of coping is for then? But the worst is feeling ridiculed or judged. No one wishes for that and sadly, it happens moreso than not. Not in the ways you expect, but the subtle, nondescript ways in reaction, body language and tone. One can be condescending and dismissive and pretend to be the most concerning, passionate people. How nice of them right?

Fake friends are your realest enemies. Unfortunately, there isn't a person that don't have them. I just be careful with what I say and express myself carefully. I wonder how many others have to walk on such eggshells?

And here we are again...

celebrating the day that out of the 365 that I can say I hate the absolute most.

Why is that you may ask? Well the answers will be forthcoming, but I will say that if I can just time travel or sleep the day and wake up on the 15th I would. And the only reason I won't build some weapon and annihilate February 14th from all calendars is because it's my mother's birthday. She already got her birthday gift from me. She never ask for a Valentine gift, and I know she understands and never bums out. Besides mom gets love and shown that every day of the year.

Valentines day, who really gives a damn about this day of fat naked angels flying around with arrows shooting at people with love arrows. In some states you can be sent to an asylum and be chemically lobotomized for this. Or at least imprisoned.

Let's face it and explain the symbolism of the biggest of the Hallmark Holidays, well with the exception of Christmas. The only winners in this economic bedlam are: florists, candy makers (oh yeah let's have people protest that Valentine food makes people fat and have them outlawed why don't we???) and jewelers. Better make sure your significant others better be able to tell their friends. They Went To Jared Jewelers.

It's kinda sad that most people go out of their way to put so much emphasis on one day, go broke trying to make this day perfect. But you hear the classic defense of many of the brainwashed Valentiners. "Oh if you love them you show this affection every way." Which is true, you should but. I challenge ANYONE to say that this one day these 24 hours, you have to pull out all the stops and make it better. And in many cases ensure you are around for ANOTHER year of them. Sadly, this is one of the holidays where more breakups occur. And you wonder why? The logic is simple. As you can tell, if you don't show how much you love them on this day and if the monetary amount is not suitable to what they feel love is worth on this evil occasion, be rest assured you will not be around much longer.

Which now sets up everything that I had to contend with. All the previously mentioned contents of the blog all tie up to my own hells I had to deal with over the years. I will spare you every notion but will give the worst of the lot. The names will not be mentioned because honestly, they not worth speaking but the events have to be told and don't worry I will keep it as short and painless as possible:

Bad Valentine #1
Spend almost a week getting everything perfect, make a reservation at a very nice restaurant. One that does not ask the question. "Would you like fries with that?" (hell should took her there if I knew the outcome)

One on particular Valentine’s day, (My first with a relationship too) I was trying to compose the perfect evening with my girlfriend at the time. So in my moment of trying to make it memorable, I got reservations for a restaurant, even got a dozen red roses with the white tips. (nice stuff there) and a tennis bracelet. Oh that was my fatal error. Never give bling bling for this day. It always ends ugly. Well, I already knew it was going be bad when she arrives 15 minutes late and this woman’s pet peeve is people being late. I give her the gifts, and I can see that she had launched into the “awws” and “oh you so sweet” gestures that seems almost mechanical in its sincerity. Well after she got all her presents and looking at the bracelet as if it was something I got from a Crack Jack box.
Eating dinner (which mercifully wasn’t as expensive as it could been) and close to the bill (I was paying for it so it wasn’t much a problem), she told me that she needed to talk to me about something. Not even thinking about it and being concerned, I said what’s wrong? Well without dragging this blog than needed, just insert any blah blah blah, this isn’t working, blah blah blah. I just think we need space. Blah blah blah hope we can be friends. Mostly, you know the rules. If she said she needs a change of pace, it usually means she got someone NEW and your services are not longer required. RIIIGHT!

Now you think that she would had some class and gave back the gifts or even go half on the date since she pretty much dropped me like yesterday’s garbage? HELL NO! Selfish folks giving back jewelry? You gave it to me when we were together, and anything given at the time stays with me. But at least she had enough decency to pay her half of dinner before she ran into the arms of her new man. Probably to this day she probably hocked that bracelet, little she know that it was little more than costume jewelry.

The second was about the same notion; fast forward a few years later. Different city, take a Valentine’s night at the local Olive Garden. Some Godiva Chocolate and 2 dozen white roses. (I think really that roses are the flowers of death) Have a date, nice conversation and then out the blue she says that, it’s over because I don’t think I can love you. Now you have to think of the shock, hell the couple next to us looked at her like WOW on this day you say this. Don’t know why or how it started but say we gotta end it. Dropped $40 bucks and walked out. No reason, no explanation (till a week later where she said she was in love with someone else…real nice!), and feeling like a total jackass. I just wonder ok roses and February 14th is just a cursed day for me. Least that one couple bought me a glass of wine for my trouble.

Now there many others, but I hate to drag it. But explains if I would just get a few more dollars in debt, they would stayed. I know it’s not a materialistic relationship where you have to shower someone supposedly special with everything to say I love you. But, you be a blind, naïve fool to think that a good gift of this amount or more.

So in the end, what is worth it of this day? How can one day be so vile in yourself that you wish you can avoid it at all cost? I even wrote to Congress to have it outlawed stating many valid reasons. But, sadly it was never considered. Like we need more holidays for anything. In the end, I just go on, try to find the best in the worst. Usually consisting of half priced candy on the 15th. YEAH!!!!!!

So screw the day...happy over-priced day of marketed love

Oh yeah it's almost that time of year

that I so love and soooo loathe....been working on this very special entry for a while and hope to have it done by the vilest of days. oh happy day!!!!

(I wonder if the sarcasm is evident)

I want to be happy for you but..I just can't...

As humans, we have a pre-natural sense of envy towards others. Some take it towards a higher degree and can be labeled as haters or just jealous. But, I think that in most cases, this is unjustly given. While there are some that are just genetically going to chastise others for the pure sense of loathing, there are others who just are not expressive of good mirth towards our fellow man.

Sometimes the hardest thing one can do is express joy for others during times when it’s needed. Sure most can fake a smile or even give a false sense of encouragement for the sake of argument; however is that usually the correct way in showing support? Isn’t it as important as being sincere with what you say as well as being kind to it? Sure you hear that adage “If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” I think that there should be a footnote added to this proverb. “If you don’t have any sincerity in what you say then don’t say it either.

I know most only try to use kind words of encouragement out of necessity to spare one’s feelings. But, I think that it’s hard to be festive when deep down, you have no joyous times in yourself to share in one’s good fortune. How hard is it to be happy for others when in yourself, you are not happy. Regardless of the reasons behind it.

Sure you can be just happy for them in some sense of a milestone achievement in their lives and they felt that they are only wishing to allow others to partake in it. More so, some who have been down on their luck or in some personal rut, most would only consider this as unwittingly kick while they are down. As some personal gloating in your face of their success or happiness. Many would not even consider this or even think of it as such; however, in many other’s mind this is the case. Then the questions of bitterness arise, or the green eyed monster of jealous rears its head.

Yes, there are many who frown when you up and smile when you down. But, where does this resentment come from? What is the core basis of this? The answer may not be as concrete as most would assume. Circumstances can be as diverse as snowflake patterns. However, most of it I theorize it the timing of these good news of cheer. Timing is the basis of most things – even if it is unwillingly so. You can have a friend come up and tell you they are not engaged to be wed or something to that effect; yet you are having bitter feelings of you and your significant other breaking up. Kind of hard to be happy when you can’t be happy in your own world right? Or how about the announcement of a new car or home you purchased or something else and you fighting everything to maintain yours from being repossessed or foreclosed. Or have them done recently. I doubt you can give two damns about hearing about or even put on a front for them.

The how hard is it for someone to be happy for one who achieved some personal goal or dream, yet you struggle to maintain some sense of purpose and feel less than good cause you have not even made one inch of progress towards yours. This is not for the lack of effort or trying. It is too easy and somewhat dangerous to always assume that if you can dream it you can achieve it. That is not always the case, or as simple. You always heard the old adage, “Hard work pays off in the long run.” While that is true to an extent, that is not the end all – be all of it. Hard work is only a part of it. Hard work, opportunity and let’s face it competition are the cornerstones of success. Dreams are good to have but sometimes the cold foot of reality can kick your dreams away. Hard works feeds your determination, ambitions can in some ways create an opportunity (however the price of such ambitions can be as dangerous as anything) and the threats of others who have the same dreams can be detrimental. Never assume that you are not the only one in this world who have the same dreams and desires as you do. Are you willing to have a killer instinct to destroy others ambitions to satisfy yours? Very few are as ruthless. But when you have a limited time to achieve your goals, sadly this must be needed. However to what end?

What profits the man if he losses his soul? Answer happiness. As cold and twister as it is. They achieve what others have.

But that is another blog for another time. However, you can see the over gist of it. Can most relate to something like this? More the question is would most even acknowledge such weakness in our own minds. So before you throw out the “hater” word or jealous card, consider this and ask yourself in their place. One person’s happiness is another’s misery. Food for thought.

SAW

A smile of happiness behind a heart of sadness

Sometimes the most difficult thing we can do is put on a smile of happiness for others in our lives. Whether it's for a monumental achievement or some personal, positive outcome of something. However, how difficult is it to smile for the world when inside there is such a conflict in ourselves? How hard can it be to really be happy for others when we ourselves are not happy. Surly, we can put on a false face and show support for our friends and loved ones. It's the simplest thing we can do, but where is the sincerity? The genuine, heartfelt joys that are returned for the good cheer and news others are willing to share with us?

As humans, we have an inert ability to constantly evaluate our own success and happiness based on others. It is unwitting bar that everyone puts to weigh our own merits for our own personal satisfaction. It is as essential as breathing, yet something that no matter how much we tend to ignore, it lingers like a bad cold sore.

Is it that most people tend to show and share success as a subconscious form of gloating? Something that we don't even notice or acknowledge? Or can it be that it's a deliberate prodding of their joys like a sinister trophy to put themselves on a pedestal of good mirth and make others feel unhappy. Who knows.

However, what about those who are not feeling so happy and proud? It is easy to share a smile and say I am happy and glad for them? Especially when there is no good joys or cheers in our own lives. How hard is it to be happy for others when in our own core being we are not happy within ourselves? Pretend - fake - down right force ourselves to give ourselves a bit of joy. A false complement and share a joy and things get better.

In short how does this wake others feel. Can we make others happy for good news when they in turn make ourselves feel low. Suck up our pride and push on? Sometimes it's easier said than done. So we just suck up our hurts of our own lives and pretend. Share a smile but in ourselves shed a tear.

Sometimes you must ask yourself...

are you FREAKING KIDDING ME??? I ask myself that in how some people can just have a notion of asking for so many things or begging to have such attention bestowed upon them or win some sort of contest to up some status. I sometimes have to look and laugh at so many people. As much as I (in my own sadistic, evil way, enjoy a good bit of begging), even I have to ask myself are you that hard up and desperate to have ever twenty minutes asking for some sort of social gratification and expansion. I kind of have to laugh and think if you can do it maybe once a day or something, that is fine and good. But if you do it with every waking moment, do you honestly think that you will get what you asking for. I was always raised to believe that begging constantly gets you anything and if you do somewhat receive it, do you really, truly appreciate it that you earned it on your own merits or was it the result of nagging like a drug-induced billy goat.Naaaaaaaaaag! Sometimes I wonder do most people do it just to have some individuals shut the hell up! Maybe that is it.

However, it just behooves me to think that some people have to drop to such methods. And when some people fall into that web, do those individuals show any gratitude? Any amount of sincere thanks for accommodating to their request? Hell no! And if they do it is soooooo generalized and so insincere that it makes some people go do nothing of the sort again or make sure someone else wins or receives your support just out of spite. Believe me, as a villain, I have do that on more than one occasion. Most of the time, I just sit and watch and see how many people fall below the waves of disappointment and find a small sense of humility. However, that is almost like trying to find a fart in a jacuzzi.

I know this will probably piss off plenty of folks but those who do understand me and can relate, they will probably agree with me and even call some folks out about it. But, they will probably get labeled: Hater or Jealous. However, to be a hater is to be envious of what they have, are or being. Does anyone really WANT to be a whiney butt beggar who has to bribe folks with empty promises and false gratitude?

But pleeeease....I'm begging you pleeeeeeeeeeeease....oh hell let me stop. I have a bit more pride than that. I'm going to leave that for the folks who need it.Or James Brown who can sang it better.

I wonder how many folks will be ready to cuss me out on this one....

SAW