A letter

 Dear Heart,

How you doing my friend? Excuse me, how were you doing? I know it has been a lifetime since we last spoken. I had every intention in reaching out to you just to speak to you, just to give you an update with things in our lives. So many years have passed and I know I neglected you. I have no excuse in why I did that. I look at your grave now and see the stones, crumbling. Weeds filling your spot. I should have been more considerate and taken care of things here. Given you the final peace you deserved. It seems like I have abandoned you twice. But, I wanted to give you honestly an explanation:

You know that things with us have not exactly been the best in our life. We used to be so optimistic, full of hope and if I was to be honest with you, (totally honest) very naïve. Because I always been someone who saw the positive in things. Especially in  terms of love and relationships. I have put you into so many dangerous positions, entrusted you to so many to protect you. To nourish you, let you grow into something so beautiful. So perfect. To become a gift to the world. 

Yet, I put you through so much abuse, left you in hands of women who did nothing but break you, shatter you into pieces so small that I knew well I could never find some of you again. It wasn't I did it out of spite or anger. I wanted to give you to someone who I could entrust with you. But it seems like I gave you to women who just never could care of something so delicate. Yet, it's my fault too, I wanted to place you into the hands of people who promised me never to hurt you, only to crush you with lies, manipulation, bullshit, and the toxicity that you never deserved. 

Every time I healed you, I know that much of you diminished. But don't think that I didn't care about you. I tried again to be that person I once was. Yet, things never seemed to change. I know you felt unwanted, unappreciated, unloved. Trust me, Heart, I know the feelings. You felt eroded. Becoming smaller and smaller, hanging on a lifeline. My soul and my hopes were in the same place. I left you to save myself. You were breaking, so was I. I was just seeing how cold the world was. When you was dying, I was broken in the worst way. I should have guarded you to the last, yet I was scared to hold you. You were so fragile; seeing you made me guilty because of so much abuse you endured. Yet, I suffered so much. I wanted to avoid any intimacy, any contact from women because of the physical, mental and emotional pains that I just lived through. You know their names, their faces. The pains turned me cold, turned to hate. In the hate I saw the true clarity in so many things. 

I WAS BROKEN BEYOND REDEMTION.

It was no excuse, only telling the truth. I wanted to hide from everyone and everything. I think what's worse then hiding my feelings, my pains and the anguish. Just being able to talk about all of it to people was the worse thing you can do. The "Man Up" Movement was the worse thing you can do to a guy. But, I think we are guilty of it. We are never able to express our pains, tell our feelings, let out cries out for we are judged, condemned, ridiculed. Can't tell your boys, and tell your girlfriend or any female significant other, you can cancel that plan. So many times, they don't want to hear it, other times they don't care, and worse, use it against you. Those few that truly care are one in a million. 

I don't say all this to burden you with my struggles, I only want to tell you why I kept away. I was so low, so lost, so alone. I only can turn to the very demons that I been fighting my whole life. Embraced them as the true friends that was ever there for me. They heard my cries and never judged me. Loved me when few or others never could. The demons became my family, and within that the Darkness that was always there held me. I knew that I was safe but in being safe, I let you suffer. 

I had honestly no choice. If I was to survive with my own life and I mean really survive, I had to let you go. For me to live, you had to die. I didn't make this decision easily. Please understand. I never wanted this for you. I never wanted to leave you to your fate. I wanted more of you. I wanted more for us. I wanted the happy ever after everyone wanted. But, I was not meant to have that gift. 

I buried you with the whole notion that I would never hold you again, never give you to anyone else again. To become the heartless soul that I was born to be. But in that, I have seen more of the truth in others that seem to be in may ways the kindred spirits. Seeing men that have been on the same path of the broken soul just in ways not feel so alone. Yet, I know that each walk is the one that is made for our own. 

I wish things could have been different between you and me my Heart. I wish that you and I could have made things better, to give light and love to that person suitable. But you know the truth better than I do. That lot was not meant for me. Karma, the Cosmic Balance, Bad Luck, or whatever it is, I  the train has long sense departed from that station. Yet, I want you to know that, things that happened was not any of your fault. It was mine. 

I don't ask for your forgiveness. I don't deserve it, nor want you to. I betrayed you in a need to keep myself safe. But, I never wanted things to be as it is. I wish you are at peace. Know that I am. I have no tears left to shed for you. No more glue to put you back together. Know that I am ok right now. I have become the devoid human that I was meant to be. I am sorry you become the last causality of my personal war. I have always loved you. Even when I was able to protect you, to trust you with others.

I wanted to come to you, feeling empty, yet full. Maybe in the next life, if there is one, we will reunite and feel better. I love you. 

Marco