Random Nonsense

Waking up this early, on a rainy Sunday was not what I was really having planned. I would like to had slept in just a bit longer. However, my body and the pesky internal alarm had other plans. But, it should not be expected.

I know that it has been quite a while since I last entered anything. Just been a very insane few weeks to be honest with you. With moving to a new apartment (which has the thinnest walls ever grrrrr), and work being an absolute madhouse. I just could not get into any blogging in. Yet, now seems like a great time as any to just drop a few words here and there just to say I'm alive and kicking.

But, there is a more deeper reason why I have not really been writing anything here. Honestly, there allot of things that I just did not have the gumption to post. I am having a hard time just being able to organize my thoughts into something that I can put to either paper or computer. It hasn't always been this way but recently, I feel like a mental dam has been erected and nope can't get past it. I can pretty much summarize that it's from allot of stress that I been dealing with for the past few months. Much of it can't be so easily fixed. No matter how much I wish it could be. The others should be fixed if there was any opportunity to. And some can't be fixed no matter how much glue, tape and rope you have. I guess those things are the ones we just have to accept.

I won't really go into what is all going on. At least not now anyway. I don't know why, just lately, I having the most difficult time confiding any others. It wasn't always the case, yet now days. I just can't seem to open up and tell anyone my deepest issues. And the few I do - and it's a very small circle, I can't tell everything. Because honestly, their own lives and issues are as fucked up as mine is. So, I tend to just keep everything with myself to myself and listen to others. I always felt it was best to do it myself. I grew up trying to be self-reliant. Because I hate to be a burden to others. It's something I feel stronger about now. I been avoiding many people as of late. Not because I don't care about them or anything. It's mostly because I just have this deficiency of social interaction - especially among many strangers or acquaintances. I have to don that sociable mask and create the alter ego of who I wish myself to be for the public consumption. And to be 100% honest, it's something I feel I can't do.

To my friends I have been avoiding, please forgive me for my absence from you life. It not because I don't care. Far from it. I care enough to just not throw my issues upon you. Knowing many of you have your own problems going on.Or better so much good fortune or blessings, why dampen it with a shadow of killjoy. Of course I'll be there to listen, to cheer, to advise and to support. Yes, I'm being hypocritical in my reason - but your needs are more important than mine. I'll ease your worried and burdens, adding yours to mine. It's what I honestly think I was sent here for. No, I do not see myself as some martyr or someone who should be sainted. I'm just me. For one joys and pains I will stand with you. For my own, I must stand alone. It's best this way. None need worry of myself.

I survive. I endure.

SAW